January 13, 2012

Feel the Burn! OR No pain, no gain.

Can we talk seriously about exercise for a sec?  Yes, it's great for you and makes your heart strong, blah blah blah.  But really, have you ever stopped to consider the number of exercises available to the average person nowadays?  Strength training, cardio, cycling, walking, dancing, running, tennis, football, basketball, soccer, baseball/softball, badminton (ha), polo, etc....on and on the list goes of possible ways one can try to burn calories, kill fat and get fit.  I think all of these are great ways to   get in shape - except for badminton and tennis, because one is stupid and I'm not coordinated enough for the other.  Not all exercises are compatible with everyone.  People generally pick a certain type of exercise and stick with it until the bitter end (which usually happens on a couch with a bag of Cheetos). 

Being the eternal fat girl, I have tried out MANY different types of exercise routines in the constant effort to slim down.  Obviously, none so far have been successful for me because I had no willpower whatsoever.   Until now, which is another story (and a much happier one, so far).   I decided I would share with you guys a few different exercises I have tried over the years, and a brief summary of each.  This should be fun. 

Tae Bo

Yes, we've all heard of Billy Banks and his band of super-fit followers who manage to grin whilst beating the hell out of invisible attackers.   I tried this workout around age 16 with my mom, some of my friends and some of her friends.  We figured it was a double win because it's cardio AND self-defense lessons.  Right.  

The first few times we did it we were pumped up, and thought hey, this isn't so bad.  Just some punches and kicks and lots of "Ya!"ing.  I felt like Chuck Norris: Badass.  I knew I could beat the hell out of any predator who dared cross my chubby path.  

Unfortunately this was in the day of the video cassette (yes, I'm THAT old) and the tape wore out after about a month.  What a rip-off.  By then the old ladies were complaining of aching hips and backs and since my mom was my ride that ended my routine.  

So, let's not blame Billy for my failure on this one.  We'll blame my mother. 

Curves for Women

For those of you who've never checked out one of these fat female havens, I'll explain the setup:

There's a circuit of machines with little bouncy pad things in between each machine.  The machines are designed to work out different areas of the body - legs, arms, abs, butt, etc.  You spend 30 seconds on each machine, then a little bell dings and you shift to the bouncy pad and dance/walk/jog in place until the bell dings again and you shift to the next machine.  Three rotations equals a 30-minute "full-body workout" (their words, not mine).  

My freshman year in college I decided I'd try out Curves because one of my aunts went there and gushed repeatedly about how much weight she'd lost and how fit she was getting.  She was also doing the Atkins diet at the time so I'm not sure which contributed more.  I was at a very insecure age; being 19 and fat is not fun for anyone.  I figured Curves would be great because I could be dedicated to a gym but not have to worry about being self-conscious.  It's all chicks.  No dudes allowed.    

I joined and went in, did the circuits correctly, bounced on the bouncy thing actively, and did lose about 10 pounds in a month.  After a while though, I got to where I didn't feel like I was getting adequate workout for each area of my body, and while 30 seconds wasn't long enough for me, it's not allowed to remain at one machine repeatedly because it hinders the flow.  Also, as I've mentioned previously, the music was horrendous.  Cheesy remake of old dance music sung by Spanish tone-deaf dude.  AWFUL.  Give me Pantera, Aerosmith, something loud and mean to work out to.  So, that endeavor failed after the one-month trial.  Adios, Curves.  I'll take mine with me, thanks. 

Pussycat Dolls Workout Video

It's okay, laugh it out.  I'll give you a minute.
I know.  I was in Walmart one day and had recently started yet another fad diet and thought I might try some new workouts. I moseyed on over to the fitness area (what a joke.  There are more orange hunting vests than exercise items in my Walmart) to peruse the dozen or so exercise videos available.  Immediately the PCD Workout Video caught my eye.  I know they're hoes, but you've gotta admit, they're HOT.  I can be hot, I thought to myself.  I quickly envisioned myself all svelte and sexy, doing PCD dances for my husband.  I threw the DVD in my cart and bought it before I could talk myself out of it.  

I only attempted this workout one time.  Just once.  Wanna know why?

Fat should not, and will not, move the way they think it can in that video.  

I started out okay, swaying my hips and thrusting (oh my God, I can't believe I'm sharing this with you people) over and over again as Nicole Scherzinger encouraged me with her sultry voice and smoky eyes (Side note: who wears layers of makeup to workout?  Seriously!).  Soon, though, they started with the REALLY sexy dance moves. Let me just say that fat is mostly sedentary, and if you get it all moving too fast, it builds momentum.  I looked like a Jell-O commercial.  A bad one.   Eventually I just collapsed to the floor, dejected and hating the Pussycat Dolls with every fiber of my being.  Stupid hot girls.  

Suffice it to say I will not buy any more sexy dance videos of any kind until I have much less fat on my body.  

I think that's enough horror for one day.  I'll share some more endeavors with y'all later, including my current exercise routine and future plans.  Happy Friday! 


  1. I have also tried many types of exercise although not curves but I find it hard to stick to anything........

  2. You had me at Pantera.

    Also I'm with ya on the whole, fat doesn't work on the sexy dance moves, thing. This is probably why my current exercise program consists of dancing around my living room like a loon. Not sexy. REALLY not sexy. It's really fun though and it's something I can do with my medical condition. I'm kinda down on myself because I gained back 5 lbs. over the holidays but I just dance that much stupider and hopefully I'll melt those pounds away!

    Good luck to you, girl. You know I love ya!

  3. I mostly stick to my exercise bike really. Plus the occasional seated cardio (I've only done that once so far but I've only really just got straight into this stuff) and I'm yet to know the results but one of my biggest problems seems to have been actually undereating. I think if I do lose weight, a change in diet is going to help as much as a change in exercise.

    1. My exercise bike can hold a whole bunch of laundry. It's great. Especially for those pants which don't fit me anymore.

  4. I couldn't get through your description of the Pussycat Dolls Workout video without trying to wake Mrs. Penwasser up.
    But, at least that video is better than the Josie and the Pussycats Dolls Workout Video. If you do THOSE exercises, you end up looking like a cartoon character with tiger ears. But, you can sing.

  5. I'm so sorry, but I laughed so hard at your description of your dancing to the PCD video. You're right. The rolls just don't look that awesome when you do sexy moves. It's no wonder I don't dance.

    Have I told you that I love you lately?

  6. I really do feel like you are my fat sister soul mate. You are hilarious. You remind me so much of me its crazy. I tried the Julianne Hough dance video. Yeah right. Like I will ever be able to move and look like that. Pffft who are these people kidding? And I hate how curves suckers you in with all the pictures of people who have lost 20 pounds or so doing the circle circut thing. The little old skinny lady working in there had me sold when she told me she lost 40 pounds doing it and didn't even have to diet. Yeah right.