January 18, 2012

Failure... and encouragement

I had a bad day Monday.  My spring semester started Tuesday, and despite the fact that I'm 27 years old, I still get nervous jitters the eve of the first day back.  Habitually, my immediate response to nervous tension or anxiety of any kind, is to eat.  Eat and eat and eat.  Doritos.  Oreos.  Some pretzels.  Maybe a bowl of cereal.  Whatever was available, really.  I would take a few bites of this, a few bites of that.  Food has been my go-to comfort for my entire adult life.  No wonder I woke up 283 pounds.  Life is stressful, y'all.  

So Monday was the first stressful day I've had since starting my new lifestyle changes.  My first urge, of course, was to start digging around for the bag of chips I know my husband has hid somewhere in the house (I told him if he insisted on buying junk food, please hide it from me because I don't even want to see it.  He's a good husband.).  I calmed myself down, repeated all of those little phrases like "food is not comfort" and "eating is not the answer" blah blah blah.  I managed to refrain from a full-on chip search, so I felt proud of myself and let my guard down.  A little while later my kids were in a chicken nugget and fries mood so I cooked just enough for them to eat, no leftovers.  About halfway through her plate, my youngest decided she was full so she left her plate and went to play. 

I stared at those two nuggets and six fries (yes, I counted) for a good five minutes.  Throw it away, I commanded myself.  You don't want it.  Just throw it away.  

But what happened?  I ate the food.  I ate both nuggets and all six fries.  Immediately I was angry with myself for being weak, and internally counting how many calories I had just consumed on impulse (I don't even count calories anymore).  All the while the nagging voice in my head had turned into a mean hag. See?  You ate all of that bad food, and are you still anxious?  Yep.  I told you.  I said 'Throw it away' but you wouldn't listen, would you?  Now you're going to gain back a pound or two.  Way to go.  Fat ass.

I could feel the disappointment in myself growing.  I started to doubt myself.  How in the world would I be able to lose 118 more pounds if I can't even refrain from my kids' leftover nuggets and fries?  Will this happen every time I have a bad day?  

I started out my first day back at school in a funk.  I had decided I would keep to my plan, continue doing what I've been doing, and somehow figure out a way to control myself whenever bad days came around.   I still couldn't drag myself out of my funk, until something small but important happened.  Someone made me feel better.  Want to know who?  Well, I'll tell you.   It was B.  

B is from The Opposite of That (you should go check it out), and we're also Twitter pals.   B suggested I go read her newest post.  She had won a blogging award, and in turn had passed the award on to several other bloggers.  The award is not what cheered me up.  It was what B wrote:

 Bea Beautiful- For keeping me laughing and on track with my weight loss goals. 
Your honesty shows in everything you write, and I love that.

It may seem small, but it was someone making a positive remark about what I'm doing right now, the effort I've been making.  I decided in the beginning that this blog would be my way of holding myself accountable for my actions.  I would share my successes, but also my failures.  

Her reminder of my honesty made me realize that it's okay to screw up sometimes.  We all do.  There will be bad days along this journey, which I'm positive will be quite long.  133 pounds does not fall off overnight.  But it WILL fall off.  And if I have a moment of weakness here and there, I will share it with you guys.  You will encourage me, as you all have from the beginning, and hopefully I will be there to support and encourage you whenever you guys have bad days, whether it be weight-loss related or life-related.  

P.S.  After I found my determination again, I kicked butt in my workout yesterday.  I only weigh on Sunday mornings usually, but I cheated this morning and stepped on the scale.  I've lost 3 more pounds.  18 down, 115 to go.  I've got this. 

7 comments:

  1. Aw hun it happens to the best of us!! My hubby brought home a baggy of chocolates and put them in the fridge last week for me to stare at everytime I open the fridge O.o and yes I've caved.

    I LOVE B lol she is such an encouraging person and great all around.

    And congrats on losing 3 pounds!! =D

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  2. We all slip up and you shouldn't punish yourself so much for it. It's not bad to eat the occasional fry or chicken nugget. Last week I gorged myself on bacon and lost six pounds because I kept up the exercise and I ate the right amounts. Everything is fine in moderation. Don't beat yourself up or you won't lose anything. Also congrats on the award :)

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  3. That's great! Your honesty definitely is very encouraging - and I think it shows great character to have a bad say and not give up, but keep going.

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  4. ...and by 'say' I meant 'day'. Oops!

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  5. B. is great at that isn't she? Yay! Way to go! Getting back up on the horse is the important thing. I had to do that myself today after a not-so-good week. It's a process but dammit I want to come out a winner. I know you will too! *hugs*

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  6. First off I am playing tag and you have been tagged by me go to my blog to check out the rules: http://jo-annemotherandnanna.blogspot.com/

    Secondly we all have days like that but behind you and move on.............

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  7. I'm so sorry I missed this sweetie! Seriously. I never saw it til now. Fucking blogger doesn't show some blogs sometimes.

    DO NOT GIVE UP! We all fail. Even me. I failed hard this week. Hell, I'm supposed to be at the gym right now and look what I'm doing. Sitting here at the computer with you. Will, not with you. But yeah.

    I'm glad I was able to make you feel better, darling. You really are an amazing person, and you inspired me to take on this little weight loss blog project we've both embarked on together.

    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 When all else fails, remember I heart you and will not judge you cause you failed. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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