December 19, 2011

Once there was a fat girl...

I woke up early this morning for a doctor appointment. The normal checkup kind, nothing serious. I decided to step on that evil little white thing shoved in the corner of my bathroom. For something so small, it sure is offensive. I figured I might as well find out how much I weigh before stepping on the scale at the doctor's office only to be shocked at how far they move that stupid weight thing over.  They put it in the most public places, too, don't they?  Just so everybody can see how much fatso weighs.  Sometimes I wonder if the nurses take bets as people walk into the lobby...

I'm used to the number ranging anywhere from 265 up to 276.  I've held that weight for the past three years or so, since having kids.  I once starved myself on 600 calories per day for a month and got down to 259, but that's the lightest this chick has been since 2004.    This morning, however, the needle stops at 280.  280!  How did that happen?  

I step off the scale, pondering where the suddenly four extra pounds came from (not that you'd notice them.  At my weight, even ten pounds doesn't make much of an obvious difference). Sure Thanksgiving was recently, but I refrained from over-eating pretty well.  I was even proud of myself.  I had stressed a lot over finals (two weeks ago), and I might have indulged in some stress-induced snacking every day for the week leading up to and the week of finals.  I think I ate fast food every day of finals, too, simply because my schedule was so messed up.   I decide to blame the four extra pounds on finals, then shrug.  Fat is a part of my life.  Period. 

Later though, during the thirty minute drive to the doctor's office, I get angry.  Why do I have to just assume I'll always be the fat girl?  Eternally fat, but really funny.  I don't want that label.  I get so tired of people always telling me, "I love your hair!" or "You have such a pretty face!"  Screw that.  I want a nice ass, a rockin' bod.  I want to walk down the street in stilettos - without my feet screaming at me - and have men stop what they're doing to watch me pass by.  Not that I'm looking.  I'm happily married.  I just want to be noticed, in a good way.  

I have dieted off and on since I was twelve.  I was super-athletic, played sports year round.  I was good, too.   Then I suddenly started gaining weight with no obvious cause.  Turned out I have hypothyroidism.  I've always used that as my excuse.  I can't help it, my metabolism works backwards.  My brain thinks my body is starving to death, so it stores every calorie.  I pushed away reminders that millions of others have the same problem and manage to keep healthy weights.  It's easier to ignore the problem and just sit on the couch watching NCIS and eating Doritos with sour cream. (Which, by the way, is the Devil's creation, sent straight from hell to torment me.) 

I have tried various exercise regimens, walking, pills, SlimFast, P90X (that guy actually IS the devil), you name it, I've tried it.  Everything but elective surgery.  As desperate as I've been to lose weight, surgery always kind of felt like a cop-out to me.  Also, my insurance wouldn't pay for it.  Apparently you've got to be much, much fatter than me for that.  There's a victory of sorts, at least. 

The more I thought about it, the more determined I became.  Why can't I do it, once and for all?  Make small, healthy changes that I will stick to, find exercises I am comfortable with and start a routine that I will stick to, keep my goals at the forefront of my mind, and finally, hold myself accountable for my failures.  

Then inspiration hit me.  I'm already a blogger; I've kept a pretty good blog going for about three years now, with over 100 followers (maybe not that large of a following, but none of them were from those group follow things, so I count it as substantial).  That blog is public and my family, friends and coworkers all know about it.  I realized I could keep an online journal of sorts, and put all of my fears, failures, thoughts, feelings and honest-to-God opinions about everything.  This would be my way of holding myself accountable and keeping my goals at the forefront of my mind.  What better way than to write about them every day?  

So here I am.  Starting this brand new, completely anonymous blog.  Hopefully people will find me and after reading a bit decide I am funny, inspiring, or both.  If you would like to join me on this journey, please come along.  Together we can starve this fat chick to death and help the skinny girl inside of me claw her way out. 


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