Biggest Fears

Yesterday I was listening to Kidd Kraddick in the Morning while driving to school.  They were discussing their biggest fears, and each person on the show had to take a turn.  Kellie's is being fired.  JC's is doctors. Big Al's is disappointing his parents.  Kidd's is the triangle of death - he wouldn't give his actual fear.  Jenna's is dying in a plane crash.  Then they got to Shannon, the quiet chick who keeps them on schedule and is rarely heard on the show.  Her biggest fear:  getting fat.  

When she said it I immediately got angry.  It was self-defense mode, I'm sure, to react that way.  I'm like that with many things.  If somebody makes a fat joke in general, I get angry.  If an overweight person is discriminated against or made fun of on TV or in a movie, I get angry.  I know this is more about my own self esteem issues than anything, but that does not make it any less wrong to use an obese person as the brunt of a joke or as a good story line.   

I started ranting and raving in my car, to no one in particular, about how insensitive people are, and Oh, you're SO terrified of gaining weight, honey, you should try being overweight for most of your life and being unable to LOSE weight.   I'll admit, I had a small pity party going on in the midst of that rant.  

After thinking about it for a while, though, I realized her fear isn't all that shocking.  If I were forced to examine my own fears, one of my biggest fears is that I'll always be fat.  Isn't all that different from Shannon's fear, is it? 

Even as I'm on this journey, working hard to eat the right foods, smaller portions, exercise, be healthy, in the back of my mind is this nagging voice that says don't bother with all of this, it's too hard.  You'll always be fat.  Just accept it.  Granted, that voice is getting smaller and smaller - I contribute that to my success thus far and the wonderful support I get from my family, friends and blogging buds.  

They say you should face your fears.  If my fear is being fat forever, then I need to face it and shut that fear up by proving it wrong.  

Struggling and venting (a twofer)

So, on Wednesday I wrote this great January recap post, going on about how proud I was of myself and the success I've had thus far with my new lifestyle.  I went on about the new way I look at food, and how I see it as healthy vs. unhealthy now, as opposed to yummy vs. blah.  I said that exercising daily has become routine, and how I look forward to it every day.  Basically, it was a love letter to myself.

Well, you know how you let your guard down for ONE second? 

Yeah, that happened.

But before I can fill you in on the meltdown, let me vent a little so maybe you won't judge me so harshly.

The relationship between myself and my mother-in-law has been sketchy since before Christmas.  Basically for the past five years I've just let her tell me when she's coming to visit, and for how long, instead of insisting that she ask if we're busy or if it's even okay with us that she and my father-in-law visit.  Also for five years I've allowed her to bring their dog with them to my house, even though me and our youngest child are both allergic.  They both know this fact, but don't much care. 

Finally back in October after the baby and I both got severe allergy colds after a visit from the inlaws and the dog, husband and I had a long talk and decided we were tired of it.  We broached the topic with the inlaws and told them that because of kiddo and my health we would prefer if they would leave the dog at home.  The next time they visited (without calling first - and they live an hour away) they brought the dog.  Unfortunately for them they picked the wrong day to do this, since I was in a particularly bitchy mood on that day.  I informed them both that regardless of allergies, this was OUR house and we wished that they would 1) respect our wishes about the dog and stop bringing him and 2) learn how to ask about visiting before just showing up.  This did not go over well. 

So Christmas was terribly uncomfortable for me, husband and the inlaws.  She was still miffed about the dog, and he had refused to visit the past three times in protest of the dog ban - although his absence didn't bother me that much because he's an insufferable jerk. Seriously. 

Fast-forward to two weeks ago, when dear mother-in-law texted me to inform me that she would be coming to visit that weekend.  I responded that it was not a good time for her to visit, but that they could come this upcoming weekend (today) to visit for the day.  I never got a response.  Then on Tuesday night I came in from choir practice and was informed by my very frustrated husband that she had just called him to tell him that they would be coming in on Friday (last night) to spend the night, and they were bringing the dog. 

I. Freaking. Lost. It. 

I started screaming, "No, no, no, no, NO!"  Husband just stood there in shock.  I think he was afraid of me for a second.  I got on my phone to quickly inform her that no, she would not be coming in on Friday, she could come for a few hours on Saturday, and she most certainly would not be bringing the dog, and if she wants to be angry at me, that's fine.  She had no response for me.  I went on to tell her that it very much upset husband when they continued to put the dog before their grandchildren, and how much I hated for him to be repeatedly upset because they couldn't bear to leave the damn dog alone for five hours.

(Note:  Let me interject here and say for the record that I LOVE dogs.  I always have.  I'm just terribly allergic to them and would prefer to keep the place where I live dog hair free. Is that so much to ask??)

What is her response?  She sends husband a text:  "Mommy and Daddy love you." 

What. The. Frick.   Even husband was like, "What the hell? How ridiculous can you be?"

Then again Thursday afternoon she called with yet another plea to come in and spend the night last night.  He would stay home (in protest again, I assume).  FINALLY, finally (thank you Lord) husband stood up for himself and told her that she was not going to come in yesterday and spend the night, but that she AND he could come in today and visit for a few hours.  He stood his ground and she finally, grudgingly, gave in and agreed. 

Now, I am not a moron, and have no desire whatsoever to spend my day with two people who I hardly like in general and certainly cannot stand at the moment.  I'm being as nice as possible because I don't want my husband to be estranged from his parents, and I do want my kids to know their grandparents, even if they are jerks.  So, I will be spending my day elsewhere while the inlaws visit husband and kids. 

So, back to the meltdown....

I was SO frustrated and aggravated Thursday night that after dinner I popped not one but TWO bags of popcorn and shoveled it all into my mouth like I was starving to death. 

Then yesterday while spending the day at a fundraiser I ate a sandwich (the first bread I have eaten in over a month).  Then for dinner husband suggested we order from a little mom-and-pop place up the road that does all kinds of food.  I usually order a salad, but tonight, no sir, I ordered the seafood basket.  Fried catfish, fried oysters, fried shrimp, coleslaw and hushpuppies.  I ate it all.  Every. Last. Piece.

So now I am angry at myself for doing so badly, angry at my inlaws for being morons, and just angry in general. 

I know I'll wake up tomorrow and be back on the bandwagon, but I constantly worry that one slip will cause me to give up completely and that I'll be forever fat.   I have GOT to stop being a stress-eater.  That, or somehow convince the inlaws to move far, far away....