Struggling and venting (a twofer)

So, on Wednesday I wrote this great January recap post, going on about how proud I was of myself and the success I've had thus far with my new lifestyle.  I went on about the new way I look at food, and how I see it as healthy vs. unhealthy now, as opposed to yummy vs. blah.  I said that exercising daily has become routine, and how I look forward to it every day.  Basically, it was a love letter to myself.

Well, you know how you let your guard down for ONE second? 

Yeah, that happened.

But before I can fill you in on the meltdown, let me vent a little so maybe you won't judge me so harshly.

The relationship between myself and my mother-in-law has been sketchy since before Christmas.  Basically for the past five years I've just let her tell me when she's coming to visit, and for how long, instead of insisting that she ask if we're busy or if it's even okay with us that she and my father-in-law visit.  Also for five years I've allowed her to bring their dog with them to my house, even though me and our youngest child are both allergic.  They both know this fact, but don't much care. 

Finally back in October after the baby and I both got severe allergy colds after a visit from the inlaws and the dog, husband and I had a long talk and decided we were tired of it.  We broached the topic with the inlaws and told them that because of kiddo and my health we would prefer if they would leave the dog at home.  The next time they visited (without calling first - and they live an hour away) they brought the dog.  Unfortunately for them they picked the wrong day to do this, since I was in a particularly bitchy mood on that day.  I informed them both that regardless of allergies, this was OUR house and we wished that they would 1) respect our wishes about the dog and stop bringing him and 2) learn how to ask about visiting before just showing up.  This did not go over well. 

So Christmas was terribly uncomfortable for me, husband and the inlaws.  She was still miffed about the dog, and he had refused to visit the past three times in protest of the dog ban - although his absence didn't bother me that much because he's an insufferable jerk. Seriously. 

Fast-forward to two weeks ago, when dear mother-in-law texted me to inform me that she would be coming to visit that weekend.  I responded that it was not a good time for her to visit, but that they could come this upcoming weekend (today) to visit for the day.  I never got a response.  Then on Tuesday night I came in from choir practice and was informed by my very frustrated husband that she had just called him to tell him that they would be coming in on Friday (last night) to spend the night, and they were bringing the dog. 

I. Freaking. Lost. It. 

I started screaming, "No, no, no, no, NO!"  Husband just stood there in shock.  I think he was afraid of me for a second.  I got on my phone to quickly inform her that no, she would not be coming in on Friday, she could come for a few hours on Saturday, and she most certainly would not be bringing the dog, and if she wants to be angry at me, that's fine.  She had no response for me.  I went on to tell her that it very much upset husband when they continued to put the dog before their grandchildren, and how much I hated for him to be repeatedly upset because they couldn't bear to leave the damn dog alone for five hours.

(Note:  Let me interject here and say for the record that I LOVE dogs.  I always have.  I'm just terribly allergic to them and would prefer to keep the place where I live dog hair free. Is that so much to ask??)

What is her response?  She sends husband a text:  "Mommy and Daddy love you." 

What. The. Frick.   Even husband was like, "What the hell? How ridiculous can you be?"

Then again Thursday afternoon she called with yet another plea to come in and spend the night last night.  He would stay home (in protest again, I assume).  FINALLY, finally (thank you Lord) husband stood up for himself and told her that she was not going to come in yesterday and spend the night, but that she AND he could come in today and visit for a few hours.  He stood his ground and she finally, grudgingly, gave in and agreed. 

Now, I am not a moron, and have no desire whatsoever to spend my day with two people who I hardly like in general and certainly cannot stand at the moment.  I'm being as nice as possible because I don't want my husband to be estranged from his parents, and I do want my kids to know their grandparents, even if they are jerks.  So, I will be spending my day elsewhere while the inlaws visit husband and kids. 

So, back to the meltdown....

I was SO frustrated and aggravated Thursday night that after dinner I popped not one but TWO bags of popcorn and shoveled it all into my mouth like I was starving to death. 

Then yesterday while spending the day at a fundraiser I ate a sandwich (the first bread I have eaten in over a month).  Then for dinner husband suggested we order from a little mom-and-pop place up the road that does all kinds of food.  I usually order a salad, but tonight, no sir, I ordered the seafood basket.  Fried catfish, fried oysters, fried shrimp, coleslaw and hushpuppies.  I ate it all.  Every. Last. Piece.

So now I am angry at myself for doing so badly, angry at my inlaws for being morons, and just angry in general. 

I know I'll wake up tomorrow and be back on the bandwagon, but I constantly worry that one slip will cause me to give up completely and that I'll be forever fat.   I have GOT to stop being a stress-eater.  That, or somehow convince the inlaws to move far, far away....

Failure... and encouragement

I had a bad day Monday.  My spring semester started Tuesday, and despite the fact that I'm 27 years old, I still get nervous jitters the eve of the first day back.  Habitually, my immediate response to nervous tension or anxiety of any kind, is to eat.  Eat and eat and eat.  Doritos.  Oreos.  Some pretzels.  Maybe a bowl of cereal.  Whatever was available, really.  I would take a few bites of this, a few bites of that.  Food has been my go-to comfort for my entire adult life.  No wonder I woke up 283 pounds.  Life is stressful, y'all.  

So Monday was the first stressful day I've had since starting my new lifestyle changes.  My first urge, of course, was to start digging around for the bag of chips I know my husband has hid somewhere in the house (I told him if he insisted on buying junk food, please hide it from me because I don't even want to see it.  He's a good husband.).  I calmed myself down, repeated all of those little phrases like "food is not comfort" and "eating is not the answer" blah blah blah.  I managed to refrain from a full-on chip search, so I felt proud of myself and let my guard down.  A little while later my kids were in a chicken nugget and fries mood so I cooked just enough for them to eat, no leftovers.  About halfway through her plate, my youngest decided she was full so she left her plate and went to play. 

I stared at those two nuggets and six fries (yes, I counted) for a good five minutes.  Throw it away, I commanded myself.  You don't want it.  Just throw it away.  

But what happened?  I ate the food.  I ate both nuggets and all six fries.  Immediately I was angry with myself for being weak, and internally counting how many calories I had just consumed on impulse (I don't even count calories anymore).  All the while the nagging voice in my head had turned into a mean hag. See?  You ate all of that bad food, and are you still anxious?  Yep.  I told you.  I said 'Throw it away' but you wouldn't listen, would you?  Now you're going to gain back a pound or two.  Way to go.  Fat ass.

I could feel the disappointment in myself growing.  I started to doubt myself.  How in the world would I be able to lose 118 more pounds if I can't even refrain from my kids' leftover nuggets and fries?  Will this happen every time I have a bad day?  

I started out my first day back at school in a funk.  I had decided I would keep to my plan, continue doing what I've been doing, and somehow figure out a way to control myself whenever bad days came around.   I still couldn't drag myself out of my funk, until something small but important happened.  Someone made me feel better.  Want to know who?  Well, I'll tell you.   It was B.  

B is from The Opposite of That (you should go check it out), and we're also Twitter pals.   B suggested I go read her newest post.  She had won a blogging award, and in turn had passed the award on to several other bloggers.  The award is not what cheered me up.  It was what B wrote:

 Bea Beautiful- For keeping me laughing and on track with my weight loss goals. 

Your honesty shows in everything you write, and I love that.

It may seem small, but it was someone making a positive remark about what I'm doing right now, the effort I've been making.  I decided in the beginning that this blog would be my way of holding myself accountable for my actions.  I would share my successes, but also my failures.  

Her reminder of my honesty made me realize that it's okay to screw up sometimes.  We all do.  There will be bad days along this journey, which I'm positive will be quite long.  133 pounds does not fall off overnight.  But it WILL fall off.  And if I have a moment of weakness here and there, I will share it with you guys.  You will encourage me, as you all have from the beginning, and hopefully I will be there to support and encourage you whenever you guys have bad days, whether it be weight-loss related or life-related.  

P.S.  After I found my determination again, I kicked butt in my workout yesterday.  I only weigh on Sunday mornings usually, but I cheated this morning and stepped on the scale.  I've lost 3 more pounds.  18 down, 115 to go.  I've got this.